A fourteen year old girl recently wrote to Dear Abby asking what she should do about a sixteen year old boy that wanted to date her, but her parents objected.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl, and for almost three months I have been e-mailing a 16-year-old boy I’ll call Derek. Derek tells me how much he likes me and how much he would love to date me. I feel the same way, but when I talked to my parents about it, they did not approve.
The reason is Derek’s sexual past. He was having sex in his last relationship, which lasted a little over a year. My parents are concerned that he will expect that from me.
I explained to Derek that if we were to date, I would not go that far. He respected that and promised that he would never force me to do anything I wasn’t comfortable with. I explained this to my parents, but they still don’t trust him.
What can I do to show them I’m trustworthy enough to date an older guy and I can make good decisions for myself? – NOT A CHILD IN CASCADE, MONT.
Abby did a pretty good job stating that it wasn’t their daughter that they did not trust, but the sixteen year old. She also encouraged the girl to trust her parents, which would earn trust in return.
I think that both of them hit on an important phrase in this young girl’s statement– that Derek would not do anything that the girl was not comfortable with. This shows that the girl is not aware of the principal of the gradual increase of lust.
You see, whatever it is, be it money, sex or some other thing that we want, what we get is never enough. Just ask the millionaire if he has enough money. As the junkie on drugs if he has enough.
My father taught me this principle early on in the form of a progression. If you don’t want to end up doing something that you know to be wrong, don’t do the thing that leads to it. In the case of sex, if you don’t want to be comfortable with that advance, don’t get comfortable making physical contact, being alone with the person, and doing things that would lend themselves to give you opportunities to find yourself in a situation where you could make the wrong decision.
We must learn to see the warning signs on the roads before we choose to walk down them. We must decide ahead of time what we will do so that we’re not caught up in the heat of the moment. Decisions made in those kinds of circumstances are usually the wrong ones!
I’ve talked to my two oldest daughters a lot about a ‘time and season for everything’. That when you’re in school, that is your focus…your education. When you’re in college, that is your focus, so on and so on. I’ve also tried to impress upon them that marriage is for adults…don’t be dating if you’re not ready to be married and that sex is for marriage only, don’t be having sex if you’re not married. Yes, I know ‘things’ do happen and hormones are running high during the teen years and we’ve prayed a lot about that. So far, by the mercy and grace of God we’ve had no problems.
But, I also started this WAY before their teen years…probably around nine…ten, like I’m doing with my third daughter now. This has to become a habit, the trust HAS to be built before they reach those teen years. I’ve talked EXTREMELY openly with them about the issues of today…drugs, premarital sex, how to dress long before they were interested. The training starts early. I think if you can obtain a close-knit family, one where people respect and love one another and trust one another, generally children will come back to that when ‘push comes to shove’, ie: boys pressuring for sex or peers offering drugs, etc.
Posted by Deborah | March 16, 2007, 11:10 amThe 16 year old’s response is certainly revealing by what he does not say. He does not say that he has learned that casual sex is bad for a relationship. He does not say that he believes it to be wrong to have sex outside of marriage. It is not syrprising the girl’s parents were not impressed!
Posted by Stephen Kingston | March 16, 2007, 12:28 pmAt their ages these kids feel they are mature enough to handle a relationship. I know that when I was that age I thougt my mom’s beliefs and talks were archaic and backward. I was always saying to her, “Mom, this is the 80′s, not the 50′s.” Well, I just gave away my age! lol!
It is so difficult for parents in this day and age with MTV, VH1 and the Hollywood mainsream promoting sex and telling kids it’s “okay.” When they never bring out the truth about STD’s, pregnancy and the emotional pain these kids will endure.
Marriage is the only way to go.
Posted by Leticia | March 16, 2007, 3:34 pmGreat post and comments. I think the parents did the right thing in not letting the daughter date this guy. I know at this age and working with college students there is a certain expectation among the students of what’s really happening behind closed doors. And I totally agree with SK’s comments about what the 16 year was NOT saying!
Posted by Colleen | March 17, 2007, 12:33 amDefinitely and interesting view. I will have to keep this one in mind. Thanks for the post.
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Posted by David Parsons | January 24, 2010, 11:27 pmyou guys are all so nyeve if you really think your teens are telling you the truth about their sexual history. theyre going to do whatever they want, so you just need to accept that unless you wanna stick your head in the sand like 90% of parents today
Posted by chris | February 1, 2010, 7:09 amChris? It’s naive. learn to spell.
Posted by Jaq | March 3, 2010, 11:14 pm@Jaq the spelling is irrelivant, he has a valid point (misspelled or not).
There are a great many parents who naively believe that their son or daughter is somehow different to the rest of the world, and that their values will have rubbed off on their children. Both of these are myths.
If teens want to have sex, they’ll have sex… if they want to do drugs, they’ll do drugs… if they want to shoot people from across the street because they “don’t like mondays”, you get the picture… All you can do is prepare them and help them make the decisions which will work for them.
Just because your faith helped you overcome the moments of lust in your life and get married “as god intended” doesn’t mean your kids will do the same, prepare them for modern life by discussing the emotional issues surrounding long term romantic relationships, and sexuality; and warn them of the dangers of STI’s, unplanned pregnacy, and even physical discomfort which can arise from sexual activity.
Telling a teenager what they should or shouldn’t do is a poor excuse for parenting, and rigidly enforcing such edicts is tantamount to child abuse, informing your children and shaping their opinions however is actually quite effective.
For what it’s worth, the parent’s of this particular girl probably have a valid point, however they could easily have found a middle ground which wouldn’t encourage her to engage in a relationship secretively which is where the real harm can be done.
Posted by Napier | August 4, 2010, 2:41 amI think the parents did the right thing in not letting the daughter date this guy.
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Posted by katrina kaif | August 17, 2010, 9:31 amI think the mother and father did the fitting factor in not letting the daughter date this guy.
Posted by katrina kaif wallpapers | February 10, 2011, 1:43 amIf your boyfriend cared about you he would stick up for you. But those are his kids. Maybe you need to talk to him about it and if you’ve tried that then maybe he’s not mature enough to handle the relationship not you.
Thanks
Katrina Kaif
Posted by Katrina Kaif | March 6, 2011, 12:05 amobviously,the parents were right for their decision.
Posted by ipl | April 15, 2011, 2:12 ami think a lot about this.and now i am with a decision that education is important at dis time for you.
love is not that thing which u should take as serious at this age ,so just save your all love for the right time .
that time will be real time for your love and responsibilities with love.
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Posted by savita bhabhi | May 8, 2011, 5:18 amI am around the young girls age and i would not date that guy anyways. His sexual history is baggage to the next relationship. In realitiy isnt dating preparation for marriage? So when you have two young people preparing for a commitment like this than bringing a loaded bag will weight down their relationship. I would like my husband and myself to refrain from these urges to be pure and enter the sacred (when preformed in the context God intended) sexual relationship together and complete with no baggage and utter pureness in sex.
Posted by Cheyenna | May 17, 2011, 4:47 pm@Cheyenna
To quote Voddie Baucham, dating is only glorified divorce. I think that we should “raise the bar” when it comes to our dating standards. Be in the world, but not of it. Just some food for thought.
Posted by Ashley | June 2, 2011, 6:07 pm