On November 19, Katy Case entered into a courtship relationship with a young man, with the intent that she would marry him.  I’m very excited for her, in that she has left one stage of life and is preparing to walk into another.

I believe that part of the way to fix the current erosion of the institution of marriage lies in not only speaking out about those that would change the definition, but helping those that are going to be or are in marriages to respect it as well.  To that end, I believe that the courtship movement illustrates a series of good philosophies that any parent should employ to help their children during the transition between child and adult, between single and married.

Parental Involvement

Choosing a life partner is one of the biggest decisions a person will ever make.  Which makes one wonder why some parents are more likely to have something to say to their children about whether or not they’ll brush their teeth but leave who their child sees and bonds with to chance.

I understand that many of the people that a young adult will meet will be at church or school, and that you will not always have direct access to them, but that’s no excuse.  If your kid was telling you that he was hanging out in a bar every Friday night—even if he wasn’t drinking—you would find a way to do something about it.  Yet many parents have decided that it’s a personal decision and the couple should be concerned about whether they are “in love.”

It’s important that the parents get involved at the beginning, before emotional attachment is made, so that there can be wisdom that can save pain.  It’s a hard thing, but being a parent was never billed as an easy job.

Accountability

The fact that a young man has to approach a girl’s father at the beginning of the process instead of the end provides for two different forms of accountability. 

The first is to the family.  The boy becomes accountable to the father for the well being of his daughter.  He’s directly responsible for how she is treated, her well being, and her safety.  He exclusively has the rights to see her, and if she is mistreated, he will bear the blame.

The second is to the young lady.  His intentions are clear.  Instead of her wondering about his intentions, worrying about whether he will eventually “pop the question”, and being strung along to give more things in order for them to keep the relationship, the young man is pledging that he is seeing her for the purpose of marriage—exclusively.

Purity

Courtship also provides for purity.  The stress to keep a relationship together is lessened in that the girl does not have to wonder about where their dating is heading.  Girls that are dating can be lead to do different things and give up their purity in order to keep a boy interested.

It also allows for the couple to grow naturally instead of having had multiple relationships bearing the scars of constant emotional bonds being ripped.

Because the relationship is serious from the beginning, it means that it is not casual and will not be approached casually.  It’s foundation is more solid, and therefore more pure.

Conclusion

I’m very excited for Katy, and pray her courtship goes well.  I’m not saying that if you allow your children to date you’re evil, just that you should take to heart what is presented here—the strengths of courtship—and apply them as necessary for whatever method of relationship building you and your family decide on.  And let me encourage you to decide before you get there—after will be too late.

It used to sound so strange, but it’s getting to be more common.  Many people are finding their marriage partners online than at any other point in time in history.  Whether it’s someone that’s local or a distance away, people are looking to the Internet to find someone that matches what they are looking for at an amazing rate.

A Little History

During college, I was seeing a girl that I thought I was going to marry.  I met her at a summer music camp, and we dated (long distance) through my senior year and until November of the year I finished college.  I was pretty sure that I was going to marry this woman, and it was my advances (trying to arrange with her parents to talk about getting engaged) that separated us.

I was living in a small town in Upstate, New York.  Not many people that share my beliefs stayed in the area, and I was pretty much the only person left in my age group at my church.  So, what was I to do?

I was talking a lot on AOL Instant Messenger, and I found a girl that I asked out on it.  Two weeks after we had been chatting, we met.  And the rest, as they say, is history.

Not Just Me

I’m not the only family member to find love online, however.  My cousin, the oldest on that side of the family, used eHarmony after trying courtship and other methods, and is now happily married.

The secret, I believe, is that dating sites allow you to find people that are more like yourself.  It’s like college, in that there is a big pool, and the bigger the pool the bigger the chance that you can find someone that you are compatible with.

Now, whether or not it’s better to find someone with variation so that you can be stronger through your differences, or to find someone with the same love for sock lint you do—that’s a topic for a different discussion!

How to Find the Right Site?

The neat thing is that there are sites that will give you the skinny on different dating sites out there.  For example, want to know more about Perfect Match or eHarmony?  It’s right at your fingertips.  They even tell you what kinds of people are on what sites, and what the highlights are.

Conclusion

In a society where marriage is falling apart, and being attacked, it’s important that you take the whole courtship or dating process seriously.  Make sure to take your time getting to know someone before committing to them for the rest of your life.  If you’ve spent more time researching what car to buy than you have getting to know a potential future spouse, then you haven’t spent enough time!

Believe it or not, not all couples got married because they sampled a variety of girls out there and “found true love.”  In fact, for centuries marriages were arranged while the couple was both children.  In some cases marriages were arranged around country’s treaties or the exchange of cattle.

The concept of dating and marrying for love is something that’s new, and that’s done a great damage to our culture because it’s put too much emphasis on a feeling and not enough on a commitment.

Dating Gotchas

And yet, even though this is the case, I did enter the dating scene in my senior year of high school.  And boy was that a mistake.  I skipped a large family reunion because I wanted to be at summer music camp a weekend when the girl that I had been dating could make it.  She didn’t make it and I missed the opportunity of a life time.

The problem of dating is that it focuses you intently on feelings.  The presence of them can mean that you’re “meant for each other” or it could be that you got a bad case of the flu.

Seriously!  I was dating this one girl before my wife and I was sure she was “the one”, and I almost proposed to her—but literally, every day that we were together I started off the morning throwing up.  Every morning.  Whether I ate something immediately or not.

Courtship

I have high respect for those that pursue courtship.  My cousin was going the courtship route.  He lives in a remote part of a southern state, though, and was having a lot of trouble finding any eligible maidens, especially as he got older.  And therein lies a problem with courtship—I’m not sure how practical it is until it gains wide acceptance, or is practiced in a large area.

So, he resorted to an online dating site.  I’m pretty sure he did more than one before using eHarmony to find a match (he married his current wife this past February).

But are social singles clubs online or in person effective?

The Need To Interact

I’m not sure how you learn about the opposite sex without being around them.  I’m also not sure how you meet people and find what you do or do not like without spending time with them.  I mean, if I did a Great Expectations Review, I would say that they have a great idea when it comes to having getaways where you could actually get to know people outside of their comfort zone.

But I would have to say that there would be certain limitations to prevent temptation, because that’s always present in dating scenarios.

I Met My Wife Online

Me?  I met my wife on a random chat on AOL Instant Messenger.  We chatted for a little while, she said that she was stood up by a guy online and I told her I wouldn’t stand her up.  I talked to her mom to convince her I wasn’t a stalker, and we met halfway between her house and my house at a mall.

She moved down near me to go to college, and the rest is history.

My Kids

However, I think that if I had to pick what I think would be most God-honoring, and would be the best experience, I would have to say that I’d prefer my kids go the courtship route, if possible.  I think the idea of being able to be focused on God during the teen and young adult years is a tremendous positive.  As long as they’re in groups, they’ll learn about the opposite sex.

Of course, if that didn’t work, there’s always the rule my Computer Science 1 Professor had for his kids.  Until they were serious about a girl they couldn’t date the same girl twice.  Of course this is the same professor that said that his idea of courtship was to find a girl, knock her over the head with a club, drag her to the alter by her hair, and learn to love her later.  So, I’m not entirely sure I should take his advice.

One of the realities of dating and purity is that your flesh wants to spend more time alone, and it is then that you are the most vulnerable.

What I’m not saying is that you will do something.  I’m also not saying that you shouldn’t spend one-on-one time with the girl/guy that you’re dating.  You’ll need to have the opportunity to talk, and you’ll want to discuss things that aren’t necessarily appropriate for a group of people.

An Important Decision

What I am saying is that if you want to remain firm on your decision to remain pure, you will probably have to make this good ground rule:

I will never be at home (either mine, theirs, or another’s) alone with this person.

Why do I say this?  Because when you are home alone you will be tempted.

This is why you need to know that there will always be someone else around—or you’ll be in a public place.

Strength in Numbers

This is also why I recommend spending a lot of time in groups.  The reasons for this are twofold:

Building Mutual Friendships

The two of you may or may not have mutual friends.  You may have come from different areas.  However, if you get married to this guy/girl that you are going with, you’re going to want to have some mutual friends that both of you like—otherwise you’re going to be in a situation where it’s his friends and her friends.

You’ll especially want to hang around other couples, because when you are married you’ll want to have couples to hang around with—singles are (and don’t take this wrong) awkward.

They’ll Keep You Pure

But all of that’s a side benefit.  The reality is that you are less likely to do something that make you impure when there’s a group of people around.  So, just like the “never alone” principle, you’ll want to spend time (whenever possible) with couples—even if they’re older or younger.

The older couples have yet another benefit of helping you to learn from them—things that work, how to communicate, and how to keep pure in marriage.  The younger couples are good for talking about what’s going on in your life now.

Today we mourn the passing of Chivalry.  He had a long and lustrous career—placing women in an exalted place and generally being an all around good guy.

He served until a ripe old age, and is survived by his step brothers, Cohabit and Lazy.

Mourning his passing are the very people that caused his passing—the Feminists.

True, it’s not totally their fault, but people will do what they need to do in order to get the object of their desire, and when the women lowered the bar so far as to make no work required (we’re not talking “milk for free” we’re talking “milk delivered to your door in a glass, with a note begging for you to take all you want"), men decided that they no longer had a need for Chivalry and he began to wear out.

Many will have fond memories of Chivalry, and many will try to imitate some of his actions, but no one will be able to replace him.  Unless, of course, someone creates a need for him once more.