Ten years and four kids later (fifth on the way!), it seemed like a perfect time to be reading a book on how to make our marriage strong and to live in love, and this book did not disappoint!

The format of this book is interesting, in that both James and Betty have sections that they wrote from their own perspective covering their own marital journey.  To be cute, my wife read Betty’s parts and I read James’.  It was neat to see how God worked in their lives, taking them from where they were to where they are today.

There isn’t many new ideas when it comes to marriage, just different ways to implemented.  Anyone that’s read marriage books will immediately recognize many of the same themes:

• Communication between partners is stressed.
• There’s a chapter on sex that tells each person that it’s important.
• You’re going to be told how your marriage effects your kids, and yet it’s the most important relationship in your family unit.

What I found most interesting is where the book deviates from this and the personal illustrations.  To watch the couple deal with James’ absence on the road during evangelistic crusades and how Betty reacts to the fact that other women want her husband’s attention—that hits home.

Also, this is the first marriage book with a whole section dealing with the fact that there is spiritual warfare at work in marriages, attempting to break them up or weaken a spouse.  There’s a reason that Paul states that we wrestle not against flesh and blood alone.

Overall, this is a great book for couples at any stage in life—both to encourage you to continue doing the good work you’re doing as well as to help you see what living in love can be.  As they say many times, you won’t be able to turn some of these on like a light switch, but by seeing what’s possible you can grow that love into something that is truly special.

I received a copy of this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review.  The review is all mine.

Did you know that it is the National Single and Unmarried American’s Week?  Neither did I until I learned it from the New York Times!  They believe that it’s a shame that we push people into marriage.  Personal experience tells me that people in general don’t seem to have that problem.

The value of marriage is significantly less than it has ever been, and I believe this is for a variety of reasons:

The Vow Means Nothing

There are many hurting people around us.  These people are hurting, in part, because of a lack of commitment—after the vow.  When two people get before witnesses today, they may say that they are together “for better or worse” but they don’t mean it.  When trouble comes, many people find themselves splitting up and leaving damaged people in their wake—be they friends, family or the spouses themselves.

Women in the Workplace

At one point in our nation’s history, women and men were dependent on each other.  Men provided the money for shelter and food to meet the family’s needs.  Women provide the love, and nurturing atmosphere in the home and provided for the man’s physical and other needs.

Today, women are the new men, rising higher, doing it all, and they don’t need men for anything—not even to have a child.  We’ve trained people to live alone and not to ever open up and depend on another person.

Enjoy all the Benefits With None of the Responsibility

Because of the way that the homosexual lobby progressed in getting their partnerships approved, we have a lot of laws on the books now that provide benefits to cohabitating people.  I know that many cohabitating people get married, and many do not, but why would anyone want to have that kind of commitment (and the potential problem when it gets broken— see above) when it falls apart?

What is the Case for Marriage, Anyway?

It’s at this point that those of us who believe marriage to be sacred and important really need to evaluate the state of marriage and figure out what it is that we truly believe.  If marriage is important, then maybe we need to help define it in stronger ways. 

Perhaps we need to encourage those around us to have covenant marriages—more pre-marital counseling and the inability to get out.

Perhaps we need to campaign for the government to get out of marriage.

In any case, while I agree with the article in the Time’s authors that we should not be pushing people into getting married, neither should we be downplaying the importance of getting married.  It is only through marriage and children that we actually can grasp what it means to put another person first (at least for some of us!), and it’s important for growing as a person.

In the Country Song, Hot Mama, Trace Adkins confronts something all marriage relationships go through:

You’re doin’ all you can to get in them old jeans.
You want that body back, you had at seventeen.
Baby, don’t get down; don’t worry ’bout a thing.
‘Cause the way you fill ‘em out, hey, that’s all right with me.
I don’t want the girl you used to be.
An’ if you ain’t noticed, the kids are fast asleep,

- Trace Adkins, Hot Mama Lyrics

We all know that bodies change, they never stay the same.  For the wife and mother, this is even more dramatic.  It seems that, for nine months, the soon to be mom is putting on weight, and then is expected to lose it all in the first few days after the baby makes its appearance.

Let alone the fact that there’s “sympathy weight” that the man gets, metabolisms going down, less time to get out and work out—it seems only the natural progression that the husband and the wife will put on weight.

But should that effect the relationship, does it?

Read more at Lies Wives Believe…

Why do we expect men and women to be the same?  They aren’t.  I know, that statement may surprise some of you, but hear me out.

Ever since the mid 1900’s, what we’ve expected of women has changed.  She was no longer allowed to think that her life was complete by simply being a woman and raising a family.  Now she had to do all that and have a job outside the home.

What society managed to do was to make being a woman something that was less important.  She was told that she was to be—for all practical purposes—a man, but that’s not the case:

Men and women were meant to compliment each other.  They are not the same, and no matter how much the culture would like to equate them, they will never be the same.

Physically, her brain is wired differently.  As you learn on any ladies anti-perspirant commercial, it may be “strong enough for a man”, but “it’s ph balanced for a woman.”

They have different needs, different values and though there may be some statistical anomalies, there are very strong patterns in each sex. [The Power of Femininity]

The truth is, because of this redefinition, society has been hurt.

• Women in the workforce fill positions that currently unemployed laborers could be filling, thus contributing to unemployment.
• Families have come to depend on two incomes, allowing themselves more debt and expecting more things, which has made us less grateful and more materialistic.
• Men and women have trouble relating, and now that both have external commitments, there is greater chance of growing emotionally apart.
• Many children are raised by grandparents or family at best and complete strangers at worst.

Being feminine or being a traditional woman is not a bad thing.  It’s something that we should encourage—right along with encouraging husbands and fathers to spend more time with their families, passing on to them what is truly important.

The feminist movement of the past few decades has made a crusade of trying to make the sexes equal in every way—telling women that they could have it all.  They advocate having high power jobs, breaking the glass ceiling, and making as much money as the men around them.

But what if those women don’t want to have it all?

Somehow, over the decades, unhelpful, unrealistic and inaccurate myths about ­gender equality have been hung around our necks like lead weights by the feminists and politicians who have dominated the debate.

They have encouraged us to strive for a world in which women and men occupy exactly the same positions in the home and the workplace. And they would have us believe that until there are as many househusbands as housewives, and as many female CEOs as male, we will not have attained gender equality of any kind.

But this notion is false and hopelessly out of touch with the ­aspirations of the majority of women. [Of course women can have it all – they just don’t want it, says a leading female academic]

The truth is, women have been in the workplace for a long time, and though equal pay wasn’t always available, it isn’t always rational either.  When you know that a woman could be out for maternity leave, choose not to return after having a child, etc., there are more risks in hiring one—especially for highly advanced positions where retraining takes more time.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m for equal pay for equal work.  I believe, however, that women should not be pushed into the business realm artificially, and told their less of a woman if they choose home.  That’s not right.

On November 19, Katy Case entered into a courtship relationship with a young man, with the intent that she would marry him.  I’m very excited for her, in that she has left one stage of life and is preparing to walk into another.

I believe that part of the way to fix the current erosion of the institution of marriage lies in not only speaking out about those that would change the definition, but helping those that are going to be or are in marriages to respect it as well.  To that end, I believe that the courtship movement illustrates a series of good philosophies that any parent should employ to help their children during the transition between child and adult, between single and married.

Parental Involvement

Choosing a life partner is one of the biggest decisions a person will ever make.  Which makes one wonder why some parents are more likely to have something to say to their children about whether or not they’ll brush their teeth but leave who their child sees and bonds with to chance.

I understand that many of the people that a young adult will meet will be at church or school, and that you will not always have direct access to them, but that’s no excuse.  If your kid was telling you that he was hanging out in a bar every Friday night—even if he wasn’t drinking—you would find a way to do something about it.  Yet many parents have decided that it’s a personal decision and the couple should be concerned about whether they are “in love.”

It’s important that the parents get involved at the beginning, before emotional attachment is made, so that there can be wisdom that can save pain.  It’s a hard thing, but being a parent was never billed as an easy job.

Accountability

The fact that a young man has to approach a girl’s father at the beginning of the process instead of the end provides for two different forms of accountability. 

The first is to the family.  The boy becomes accountable to the father for the well being of his daughter.  He’s directly responsible for how she is treated, her well being, and her safety.  He exclusively has the rights to see her, and if she is mistreated, he will bear the blame.

The second is to the young lady.  His intentions are clear.  Instead of her wondering about his intentions, worrying about whether he will eventually “pop the question”, and being strung along to give more things in order for them to keep the relationship, the young man is pledging that he is seeing her for the purpose of marriage—exclusively.

Purity

Courtship also provides for purity.  The stress to keep a relationship together is lessened in that the girl does not have to wonder about where their dating is heading.  Girls that are dating can be lead to do different things and give up their purity in order to keep a boy interested.

It also allows for the couple to grow naturally instead of having had multiple relationships bearing the scars of constant emotional bonds being ripped.

Because the relationship is serious from the beginning, it means that it is not casual and will not be approached casually.  It’s foundation is more solid, and therefore more pure.

Conclusion

I’m very excited for Katy, and pray her courtship goes well.  I’m not saying that if you allow your children to date you’re evil, just that you should take to heart what is presented here—the strengths of courtship—and apply them as necessary for whatever method of relationship building you and your family decide on.  And let me encourage you to decide before you get there—after will be too late.

Part of the problem today with marriage is that it is being devalued by a umber of things, not the least of which is the idea that a couple can get together without being married and have all the “benefits” of marriage.

While purity is something that should be pursued by both people in a relationship, traditionally the woman has held control over a relationship, insisting on a commitment before providing the companionship.

Read More…

South Korea

Such is the case of the South Korean actress, Ok So-ri, who tried to overturn her country’s law against adultery—because she committed it (of course).  In this case, her husband sought out 18 months in jail as a punishment for her transgression: the failure to keep her vows and maintain her monogamous relationship with her husband.

Culture

According to the current culture, adultery is the last big hurdle to overcome in having any kind of sex between adults being acceptable.  It’s also the hardest, because it’s not just the physical relationship, but the breaking of a contract, the humiliation of the spouse, and the way this detonates—like an atom bomb to the family.

The culture likes to point to these laws as anachronistic—hence why people that aren’t even engaged in adultery may support measures to remove these laws.  And yet, a marriage is a sort of contract—and the breaking of which should be punished by the law.  It’s what the law is there to do.

To What End?

The question before us, however, is whether these laws are effective in maintaining marriages?

Well, what we do know is that it is obvious that in order to be guilty under the law, you have to have been caught.  By now everyone knows that you’ve cheated.  Looking into the motives of the person caught, they definitely do not want to bear responsibility for their crime because of the guilt associated with it, and to some extent the act of separating themselves from their spouse happened long ago.

Adultery Happens in the Mind Before it Happens Physically

When Christ told the disciples around the time of the Sermon on the Mount that whoever looks upon a woman to lust after her has committed adultery in His heart He wasn’t only speaking about sin, He was highlight a truth that we all know deep inside.

Mainly, that physical sin is an outgrowth of mental sin.  When we make a vow or a commitment, we do so mentally.  We consent to do something, and it isn’t until we’re persuaded out of or decide to break that promise that we actually break it.

A person does not simply decide one day on a whim to commit adultery.  It’s a thought that they’ve entertained.  They’ve either fantasized about the excitement, they’ve dwelled on the reasons why their partner isn’t providing what they need, or they’ve looked for the opportunity.  They’ve fed their mind on adultery, or the possibility, way before it actually happens.

That’s why it’s important for married couples to be physically intimate on a regular basis.  That’s why it’s important to work close to your home, and keep short accounts—so that your spouse always knows where you are.  And this is where Adultery law comes into play.  If the fact that you will have to do jail time prevents you from entertaining the notion, prevents you from thinking the thoughts, then by all means it needs to be there.

Breaking promises and vows needs to carry a penalty to help keep the relationship strong—not to trap someone in a failed relationship, but to help people to realize that they need to work on theirs so that it does not fail.

Last week I started a new series for those of you that would like ideas about things you could do for your wife—things that go beyond getting her flowers or chocolate on the way home from work.

These things will take time, money, and maybe even a bit of planning.  They could be done as a surprise, or done together to build excitement.

The series isn’t over yet, but please, take a walk on over to Weekend Kindness and Make a Splash.

Passion is at its most pure when it’s unleashed after remaining pure.  Your love, totally give to another, is one of the strongest bonds in the world.  That’s one of the reasons that your purity is so valuable, and something that should be taken care of so well.

Your purity is something that makes you uniquely you.  I know that’s redundant, but it’s on purpose.  No one else is like you and no one else can give what you can give.

A lady’s purity is so valuable that men used to compete for a lady’s heart.  It was something that was desired and preferred.  Today it’s freely given away—cheapened by the casual way it is given away.

After you are married, you should enjoy your passion to the fullest.  You have committed yourselves to one another so there should be security in that bond to give yourself totally to one another—nothing held back, nothing kept away, nothing to be ashamed of.

That’s the beauty of marriage.  It’s not the wedding—though there’s very little that compare with the joy of that day.  It’s not the kids—though they will be an endless source of joy.  It’s the complete trust for one another bound together by a promise to love one another no matter what.